He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
