i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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