One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
