That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
