Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
