Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
