I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
