I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
