so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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