Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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