Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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