Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
