I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
