Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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