My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
