I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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