Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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