HIV tests are more positive than that guy
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
