Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
