Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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