Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
