Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
