I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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