Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
