I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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