why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
