i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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