get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
