If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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