Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
