don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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