Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
