Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
