rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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