I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
