She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
