On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
