she woke up with a sticky ear
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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