you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
