Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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