Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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