Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
