That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
