i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
