i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
This house was built for laser tag.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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