yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
