Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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