i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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