i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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