If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize