enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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