So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just found puke in my bra..
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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